


The Heavy is dead!

by kommandantmilkshake



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: I WILL NEVER EVER WRITE DOWN THESE FUCKING DETAILS AGAIN, WHY ARE THEY SO FUCKING LONG, absurd shit, dear god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kommandantmilkshake/pseuds/kommandantmilkshake
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	The Heavy is dead!

The gate opened, and out came the Red Heavy. He skipped along the path outside. "Ya-da-da-da-da-da!" He then took his aviators off to show his eyes, looking at the camera. "It is good day to be not dead!" The Russian man proclaimed.

A gunshot rang out, and the Heavy's smile faded. "Pow!" And the Blu Engineer manifested. "You are dead!" He snickered at the Heavy, while holding his telescope. 

"Augh!" The man threw his book away, before making a dramatic pose. "I am dead!" The Engineer snickered as he watched the life drain from the man's corpse in front of him.

The man's glee was short lived however, as he heard a French man saying "conga" to his right. He swiveled around, seeing the Red Spy.

"Aw, shucks." He quietly murmured as he threw his 9mm telescope away from his belt. 

The Spy stopped dancing, before looking at the Heavy's corpse. He loudly gasped. "The Heavy is dead!" He exclaimed, while the Blu Engineer did a shrug next to the body. The discarded telescope was a few feet away from the corpse.

The corpse's mouth moved. "Yes!" It said in agreement. The head peeked out of the grave, the gravestone behind it reading "Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch." On the gravestone was a brown ushanka with a star adorning it. There were three (3) vases containing flowers surronding the grave. There was a hammer and sickle next to the grave. 

A rectangular pot with orange flowers was in front of the grave. Leaning against it was a portrait of the dead man's face. "I am dead!" The unliving man proclaimed as his head stuck out of his own grave.

The Spy motioned towards the slumped over corpse of the Russian man. "Why is the Heavy dead!?" He glanced at the Blu Engineer for answers.

"I don't know." The criminal truthfully admitted.

And then the corpse raised its hand. "I think it was-" It began to say.

And then the Red Spy and the Blu Engineer shushed the Heavy, while he sat with his legs crossed. "Shhh, you are dead!"

The man shrugged. "Okay." He then began to try and force himself headfirst into the ground.

A van drove over to the scene, before abruptly stopping. The Red Sniper threw himself out of the vehicle, before spinning himself forwards and upright. "What's up you wankers? Who's up for a-" He said, as he thrusted forward and humped the air.

He stopped speaking, staring at the scene in front of him. The Red Heavy was on a medical bed while the Red Spy and the Blu Engineer sat next to him. "Ah. What the bloody hell just happened!?" He exclaimed, motioning towards the Heavy.

There was a giant Thomas the Train in the background. Both the Spy and the Engineer were quick to answer the Australian omorashi lover's question. "The Heavy is dead!" They said at the the same time.

Behind the Sniper, two Blu Demoman carried his van away as a 4 choice prompt appeared over him. The first said "I think he is alive". The second said "Apple". The third said "The Heavy is dead." Wrong. The Heavy was clearly alive. The fourth option said "The Earth is flat", which was also wrong. The Earth was an icosahedron.

"The Heavy is dead!?" He exclaimed, picking the third option.

The Red Spy pointed towards the Sniper as he smiled. "Correct!" A train exited the tunnel behind him.

The Australian man smiled as two different Blu Demomen walked away holding stacks of cash that they had earned from selling his van. 

"So," The French man began. He was sitting on a chair, leaning back with his legs on a table. The Heavy's corpse had its arms outstretched while upside down and balanced on its head, with orange traffic cones surrounding it. The Sniper did a squat, inspecting the corpse. The Engineer stood behind the corpse, also inspecting it. Behind him was the .50 BMG telescope. Behind him was a few ferns and a tree with red fruit hanging from it. "Did you see the murderer?"

Both the Sniper and the Engineer glanced up at the Spy. "Nah, sorry mate." They both said in perfect sync.

The Spy sat upright, slamming his right hand against the table, causing a few items to clatter while on it. "I will find him," He angrily began his speech. "I will capture him, and NO ONE will ever die again!" He resolutely ended the motto of the Go Fuck Yourself police.

The Sniper and the Texan began clapping wildly. Behind them was a giant watermelon, a cactus, a 9mm telescope, a buff brown animal sitting upright while wearing shoes, and a cactus with a sombrero. In front of them was a skeleton belonging to Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch. Next to his corpse was a blue carton of unknown origin. "Ah, well that's nice." The Sniper remarked.

"I am damn proud right now." The Engineer said. Behind him, the brown creature clapped as well.

The Soldier shouted. Behind him were rows of Soldiers. "Atteeeeeeennnntion!" He saluted. He smoked his pipe as he did this. He rushed over to the scene upon finishing his salute. The Administrator leaned against a pillar, while both the Engineer and the Sniper wore blue and red cloth respectively around them. The Sniper was naked. "The Heavy is dead!" The American psychopath shouted, as he wildly flailed all of his limbs around.

In the bathtub lay the bare body of the Heavy Weapons Guy. The Spy leaned against it, face covering his head as he mourned the loss of the fat man. Next to the tub was a vase. "We know!" The Spy shouted.

"Who killed him?" The Soldier inquired.

"We don't know!" Frenchie admitted. 

The Soldier huffed. "I will find clues!" He then promptly began sniffing the ground. On the ground were several bags of garbage. There was a pistol. Next to the pistol was the .50 BMG telescope used in the war of New Zealand against the end of the world. He stopped upon seeing the pistol. "What's that?" He picked up the firearm. "A weapon!" His eyebrows rose. He promptly aimed it at the cast. They were all standing behind the Russian man's corpse while it did a seductive pose. In the background was a Red Sniper riding a Blu Demoman as he gave the Australian a piggyback ride. "That thing is why the Heavy is dead!" The two ran off.

The three shouted in unison, "The Heavy is dead!?" as they stared at the malicious object.

"Yes!" The Soldier slammed his hands against the table as wooden cabinets appeared behind him. "He died!"

The Spy, the Engineer, and the Sniper gasped in unison as the greenscreen behind them turned the background into blue with white speed lines zooming across. The greenscreen promptly turned off as sirens sounded, shortly before the Medic ran the Soldier over. The Heavy was on the ground. There was a payload and several explosives on the rails.

"Incoming!" He shouted, just too late as the Soldier perished from the ambulance. The Medic kicked the doors open, before throwing himself against the ground and slithering to the Heavy. "Raus, raus!" He shoved the three away. "Move, now!" Behind him, the Sun began screaming in silent anger as a creature was restrained by ropes and hoisted up.

He kissed the Heavy on the forehead. The Heavy began laughing as he was lifted up into the sky by a white beam of light. "Hea-" He exploded into several gibs, the white light disappearing as his remains fell onto the ground. The Medic promptly stopped holding his hands together.

"In my medical opinion that Heavy is dead!" He shouted, clearly alarmed as he pointed at the man's remains. 

"Doc," The Sniper began as his two companions played rock paper scissors behind him. A white mouth thing smoked a match while a purple creature danced on the rooftop of the building behind it. "What happened?"

"My professional opinion?" The German slammed his hands against the table adorned by two white statues of heads, before breaking his spine and pointing at the audience. "The Heavy was killed!" 

The trio began discussing things with creatures of all shapes and sizes behind them as the group looked on in disinterest. "I don't think it's anything to worry about." The Medic replied, as a broken pipe behind him began leaking noxious gases. He jumped away, shrugging.

"Well now what?" The Sniper asked as the Spy [EXPUNGED DUE TO A LACK OF EFFORT]. The Blu Engineer decided to get a tan, sitting on a chair of his own making while drinking beer. 

"Clippity clop, motherfuckers!" A familiar 19 year old said as he began to conga towards the group.

The Sniper turned to look at the newcomer, while the Spy turned away and said "Oh come on!"

"Look at this!" The unicorn hoodie wearing 19 year old boy pointed towards the corpse of the man as his comrades and the corpse stared at him with deadpan expressions. "The fricking Heavy is dead! What do you think about that?" He paused briefly, noticing how nobody was laughing and how the corpse was shaking its head at him. "Uh,"

"Yes, yes, Scout?" The Spy sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as 2 wooden cows appeared on the buildings behind him. The Engineer crossed his arms, while the Sniper gave a look at the Scout. 

"Yeah?"

The Spy raised his voice. "Go home!" He angrily ordered the boy. 

The corpse of Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch crossed its arms, while laying on its back. The Scout's mother waved at the boy from the red car. "Aw, come on!" He angrily made a raspberry noise at the trio as he walked to the car and got in. "Freaking unbelievable. No seriously," His mother drove the car to the crate. "You all suck." He was barely able to finish the sentence before the car exploded and a tire rolled and bounced away from the crash. On the thing was a prism of Obama.

"Okay." The Spy pulled up a sign saying "To The Point". "Let's get back to the point!" The Sniper gave a thumbs up while nodding frantically.

Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch poked his own corpse with a stick while sitting on a chair. "I think Heavy is dead."

"The Heavy is dead!?" The Medic, the Sniper, the Spy, and the Engineer all shouted at once. The Medic turned, seeing the crash and gasped. "Scout I will heal you-" He ran into the crash, causing it to explode once more.

"Oh, seriously! Who killed Heavy?" He motioned at the group, before pointing at them.

The Demoman put a bottle of scrumpy to his lips before getting wasted off it. "It was me." He proudly proclaimed.

The group turned to the Scottish man, shocked that he would do such a thing. The Engineer had his foot on a haystack while the Spy sat on a chair. In the background was a Blu Soldier sitting on a sofa. "Yes!" He shouted, before a bottle of alcoholic beverage slithered to his mouth. Behind the Demoman was Chell from Portal sitting with her legs crossed behind an Aperture Science door.

Behind him was a giant bottle of scrumpy, and a pipe that poured green liquid out of it. There was another bottle covered by a statue of a white head in the background. "I did it like this!" He said, as he pulled out a revolver and pulled the trigger.

He flew back from the recoil. The bullet struck the Sniper square in the chest, killing him as he flew back from the force of the impact. In the background was a line of tanks. "Woop dee doo!" The Demoman celebrated as a yellow robot walked off in the background and as several Aperture Science Companion Cubes existed in a pile behind him. 

The trio held the corpse of the Sniper, while the Engineer reached on while looking in sheer horror at the severity of the wound. The Sniper bled out. The Demoman took another swig of whisky, before revealing the revealing the revealing the "That's a joke, lads." All three were immediately swayed, releasing the corpse of the Sniper as they laughed at the Demoman's joke.

He took another swig of the rum, before pointing between the Spy and the Engineer. He burped loudly before doing so. "It was-" He burped, before pointing again "Yo-" and burping again. "Him!" He pointed at the Engineer.

The Texan man gasped as the Spy turned to look at his companion. To the side were the graves of Mr. Mundy and Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch. "How did you know?"

Another bottle of beer went down his throat as he answered. "I didn't." He burped once more. "That was a joke too!" He drank another bottle.

The Demoman flung himself forward, dying due to his rampant alcoholism. The Heavy turned to look at the Demoman, before looking at the Engineer as he began laughing maniacally. "That's right!" He pointed at the Spy. "It was me." 

"But why!?" The corpse sat up, staring at the murderer.

"Cause you're fat boy." He motioned at the Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch man Heavy weapons gun. "And another thing, you're ugly."

"Engineer, stop!" The Spy looked on at the argument, before shrugging and deciding this was natural as the two continued to bicker back and forth.

"Augh! Dammit Heavy, fuck off." He placed his elbows onto the bar table, holding his head with his hands. "You are dead."

"No," The Heavy made a finger gun, before firing it at the Engineer. "You!"

"Pow, haha!" He said, as the Engineer's head flew off his shoulders. "You are dead." He put a finger to his chin. "Not big surprise." He remarked. 

"Well, that was idiotic." The Spy walked off. He had a chair in front of him, and a noose was tied on his neck. "Off to hang myself! Watch and lea-" He walked to the chair and did a backflip, and he snapped his neck.

"I am alive." Mikhail Vladimir Stanislov Heavynovitch smiled. "Is nice." Around him were the corpses of his friends. "Yes, this is stupid." He let out an exasperated sigh upon realizing all the trouble this had caused. 


End file.
